LAWS WHICH NEWTON FORGOT TO STATE

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change ur queue, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telefone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone u know increases when u r with sum1 u don't want to b seen with. :P 

A Simpleton's cross examination

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.

"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

I want to go back to the time when....

 

"Innocence" was "Natural" 

When "Getting high" meant "On a swing" 

When "Drinking" meant "RASNA" 

When "Dad" was the only "Hero" 

When "Love" was "Mom's hug"  :

When "Dad's shoulder" was the "The highest place on earth" 

When the only thing that could "Hurt" were "Bleeding knees" :

When the only things "Broken" were "Toys"

& When "Goodbyes" only meant "Till tomorrow" 

Life has changed a lot 

Smart Answers =D

1-Principal : Are u chewing
gum?
Student : No i m human
being... :O

2-Wife : we are having
mother for dinner tonight?
Husband : Make sure she is
well cooked :P

3-Father : shameful results!
Do u always get such low
marks?
Son : No, only when i give
exams :D

4-Guest : Will these stairs
take me to the 2nd floor?
Boy : No, u'll have to walk as
well ;)

5-Girl : I have changed my
mind.
Boy : Thank God! Does the
new one work ? :P :D 

Stroke Has a New Indicator

VERY IMPORTANT. PL READ AND FORWARD TO YOUR CONTACTS.

They say if you email this to ten people, you stand a chance of saving one life. Will you send this along? Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, the Tongue I will continue to forward this every time it comes around! STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters..... S. T. R.. STROKE IDENTIFICATION: During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ......she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke  e at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this. A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough. RECOGNIZING A STROKE Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR. Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions: S *Ask the individual to SMILE. T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i..e. It is sunny out today.) R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke.

whatever is written in your destiny.... Will never change no matter how much u try to.:)

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend today is your day"

Guy:- "But i'm not ready!".
Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list...".

Guy:- "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?".

Then death said,"All right.. ".
The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death
finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy, "Because you have been so very nice to me,

I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.." :P

'लावणे' ह्या क्रियापदाचा अर्थ !भाषेच्या गमती शब्दएक, अर्थ अनेक

मध्यंतरी माझ्याकडे एक तामिळ मुलगी मराठी शिकायला येत असे. असेल आठवी-नववीत. पण 
चेन्नईहून थेट पुण्याला; मग मराठीचा गंध कसाअसणार? थोडं शिकवल्यावर मी तिला कही छोटी पुस्तकं वाचायला दिली होती. एकदा तिने काही अडलेले शब्द लिहून आणले.तीन चार शब्दांचे अर्थ सगितले. शेवटचा शब्द होता-- लाव/लावणे. मी तिला म्हटलं, 'अगं, वाक्य लिहूनआणायचंस,नुसता अर्थ कसा सांगू? काहीही असू शकेल'. एका शब्दाचा/व्हर्बचा अर्थकाहीही? तिला कळेना.
'ओके, टेल मी ऑल द मीनिंग्ज'. ती म्हणाली.तिला वाटलं असतील दोन तीन अर्थ! पण मराठीचा इंगा तिला अजून कळायचा होता. मी मनात म्हटलं,चला, आजचा वेळ या लावालावीतच घालवू.
'हे बघ, तू मराठीचा क्लास लावला आहेस '.

'ओह्, आय हॅव जॉइंण्ड द क्लास '. लगेच वहीत क्लास लावणे =जॉइंन असं लिहिलं.
'क्लासला येताना तू आरशासमोर काय तयारी केलीस? पावडर लावलीस? '
'ओ येस '.
'आपण पार्टीला,फंक्शनला जाताना लिपस्टिक, कुंकू/टिकली लावतो. '
'येस, आय अंडस्टँड '.---टु अप्लाय. तिनं लिहिलं.
'पण आपण केसांना पिन्स, हेअरबॅंडही लावतो.तिथे तो अर्थ नाही होत '.
'ओके; वी पुट ऑन दॅट''.

'आता बघ. मी चहाचा कप तोंडाला लावला, आणि बेल वाजली. कालच्या तुझ्या पुस्तकात गाईने चाऱ्याला तोंड लावलं. आपण बाळाच्या गालाला हात लावतो. इथेकाय? प्रत्यक्ष स्पर्श करतो. टच्! 'चौथा अर्थ लिहिता लिहिता तिची ट्यूब पेटली. म्हणाली,हां, तुम्ही पार्कमधला बोर्ड वाचून दाखवला ना त्यादिवशी; फुलांना हात लावू नये. आणि त्या छोट्याला त्याची आई म्हणालीना, पुस्तकालापाय लावू नको. सो—टु टच्.
'मॅम, मी आले तेव्हा यू टोल्ड मी दार लाव. मीन्स शट् द डोअर '.
'हो. दार लाव किंवा दार बंद कर म्हणजे तेच '.
'मीन्स लाव,बंद कर सेम! पण मग तुम्ही दिवा लावतेम्हणता, देअर इट इज ऑपोझिट ऑफ दिवा बंद कर! '

'बरोबरच आहे. कारण दाराच्या बाबतीत लाव = शट् = बंद कर. पण दिवा लाव = स्विच ऑन.
म्हणूनच तुला म्हटलं वाक्य लिहून आण बाई! संदर्भ/रेफरन्स शिवाय नुसता लाव कसा समजणार? आणखी खूप ठिकाणी लावणे हे व्हर्ब आपणवापरतो, पण तुला आत्ताच एवढ्या गोंधळात नाही टाकत. '

'नो,नो. प्लीज टेल मी मोअर '. म्हणत ती उत्साहानं सरसावून बसली.
'बरं! आता अपण इलेक्ट्रिकचा दिवा, टी.व्ही, रेडिओइ. लावतो तेव्हा स्विच ऑन करतो.पण देवासमोरनीरांजन,उदबत्ती,समई लावतो तेव्हा काय करतो? लाइट ऑन! पेटवतो.फटाकेलावतो, आग लावतो, .गॅस लावतो = पेटवतो.' ती भराभरा लिहून घेत होती.
तेवढ्यात आतून कुकरची शिट्टी आली. 'बघ, मी कुकर लावलाय. दोघी हसलो. आधीचा कुठला अर्थ आहे का यात? खरं तर यात अनेक क्रिया आहेत. सगळ्याला मिळून एक सुटसुटीत शब्द—लावलाय.
आंघोळीचं पाणी लावलंय मधे असंच! '
'मी रोज सकाळी अलार्म लावते. ती अचानक म्हणाली आणि हसत सुटली. ओह्! एव्हरीथिंग इज सो डिफरंट! '

'सो कनक्लूजन? –एव्हरी लाव इज डिफरंट! ' जिगसॉ पझल घेऊन बसलेल्या नातवाला मी हाक मारली. तर तो म्हणाला, 'थांब गं आजी! मी हे लावतोय ना! '
'हे,लुक. तो लावतोय= ही इज अरेंजिंग द पीसेस. टु अरेंज! '
'तो शहाणा आहे.वह्या-पुस्तकं कपाटात नीट लावून ठेवतो. कपाट छान लावलेलं असतं त्याचं '.वहीत लिहून घेऊन ती उठली, गुड बॉय, असं त्याचं कौतुक करून ती घरी गेली.
पण माझं विचारचक्र चालूच राहिलं.आता मनाच्या अदृश्य स्क्रीनवर लाव,लावते, लावले हे सगळंबोल्ड मधे यायला लागलं.
रोजच कोणालातरी आपण फोन लावतो.
बडबड, कटकट करणाऱ्यांना आपण म्हणतो, ए, काय लावलंय मगापासून?आजीने कवळी लावली = फिक्स केली आणि आजी कवळी लावते म्हणजे रोज वापरते.(यूज)
पट्टा लाव=बांध. बकल, बटन लाव = अडकवबिया लावणे, झाडे लावणे = पेरणे, उगवणे.
इतके इतके मजूर कामाला लावले.(एम्प्लॉइड.)
वजन ढकलणारा,ओढणारा नेट/जोर लावतो. (अप्लाइज स्ट्रेंग्थ)
आपण वडिलांचं, नवऱ्याचं नाव लावतो म्हणजे काय करतो?सुंदर गोष्ट मनाला वेड लावते. या शब्दांच्या खेळानंही मला वेड लावलं.
इतक्यात आमची बाई आली. आल्याआल्याच म्हणाली, 'विचारलं काओसायबांला?' (मुलाच्या नोकरीबद्दल)
'विचारलं की, पाठव म्हणाले उद्या '.

'हा, मंग देते त्याला लावून उद्या'. (ओहो! लावून देते = पाठवते!)
आणि लावालावी मधे तर कोण,कुठे काय लावेल! अशी आपली ही मायमराठी! शिकणाऱ्याला अवघड, पण आपल्याला सुंदर!